- Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
- A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
- Horn broken, watch for finger.
- The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
- My kid had sex with your honor student.
- If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
- Help wanted, telepath: you know where to apply.
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
- I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
- I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
- I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
- Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
- The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
- When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
- I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
- Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
- I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
- Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
- Keep honking, I'm reloading.
- Hang up and drive.
- Lord save me from your followers.
- Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
- Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
- I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
- Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
- Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
- Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
- Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
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